Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
