I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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