you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize