The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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