god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The air was thick with penises
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
