I just made out with a guy for $7.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
