I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
