So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
