How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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