Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize