there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
