As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
