what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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