Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
