she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
