I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
