I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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