i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
