I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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