1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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