wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize