i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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