My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
