I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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