Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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