I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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