I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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