Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
