You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
