why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
