Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
