I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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