Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
