Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
