Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize