FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I didn't notice because vodka
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
