just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
