I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
