ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The air was thick with penises
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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