Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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