maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
