you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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