I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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