i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
