my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I could make wine with my vomit
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
