Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
