I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
