he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
