I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
