I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The uberlube is also flammable
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
