it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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