Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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