I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
