Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he fucked my hip out of place.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
