Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
