So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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