I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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