There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
