hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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