I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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