come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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