Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
