I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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